Where are you Christmas?
by DarveyAdventCalendar
Summary: A decade of marriage and a daughter later and Harvey had become a work-o-holic. As their daughter's Christmas play approaches, Harvey and Donna struggle to face some hard truths and have to come to terms with their struggling marriage.


**Day 9  
**

* * *

**_Where are you Christmas?_**

_by CatsBalletHarveySpecter_

**.-*°****✧°*-.**

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She's not sure when it happens but they slowly begin to drift apart until one day, she doesn't even bother to wait for him to come home from work before calling it a night. Her nightly routine had become repetitive and tiresome but she lived for the comfort and familiarity it brought. Day in and day out, she simply went with it. She'd been married to Harvey for nearly ten years but she's not sure she'd classify the last two months as a marriage, not a happy one anyway.

They fought more, bickered about stupid things and began to skip out on the weekly date nights they'd instated the moment their daughter, Lily, was born. Their date night ritual held strong for six years until Donna decided to step back in her role as the firm's COO and return to acting part-time and their alone time together began to steadily decrease.

After tucking Lily in, she moves to the living room where she pours herself a generous glass of red wine and takes a seat on the recliner in front of the dying fire lined with the tinsel and holly Lily had decorated it with weeks before. She takes a small sip and expels a deep breath, her gaze shifting between the door and the dwindling fire. She wasn't waiting up for him, she'd long since given up waiting for him to come home, but rather she wondered how they got here, to this place where they were strangers to one another. Not even in the thirteen years they spent working side-by-side did she ever feel so distant from him, and she wasn't sure how much additional strain their relationship could handle.

They had been happily married for a decade, shared six of those happy years with their daughter, all the while working side by side in the city, but lately, nothing felt the same. They were Harvey and Donna, except that they weren't. The Harvey that once would eagerly bound through the front door to join his girls for dinner ceased to exist, and in his place stood a work-o-holic that came home long after she was asleep and left before she woke.

She noticed a major shift in Harvey when Louis resigned from the firm to pursue his dream of becoming a judge and Harvey once again stepped in as managing partner, something she was supportive of until it began interfering with their home life. Looking back on his decision to leave the firm all those years ago, she sometimes wonders if it was that decision, his single most selfless moment, that allowed them to have so many happy years. When they moved back to New York to raise their daughter, taking up their former positions at Litt Wheeler Williams Bennett, she was elated to be back in the city they fell in love in. New York had always been her home and the three of them quickly settled into a routine upon moving back. Everything felt right in the world, and for years she and Harvey dominated in their roles at the top firm in the city. Staring at a picture of the three of them Rachel had taken on their last trip back to Seattle, she can't help but smile at the way Lily is nearly a spitting image of Harvey, with her flaming locks. Harvey had surprised her on that trip with a beautiful dinner at a private restaurant to celebrate their wedding anniversary, where he gave her the earrings she was currently wearing and told her that he was the luckiest man in the world for getting to have spent an entire decade married to his best friend.

That was one of the last dinner dates they'd had, Harvey stepping up as managing partner upon their return home and spending every waking hour in his office trying to keep on top of what seemed to be a never-ending to-do list.

She knew that he wasn't solely to blame for their growing apart, she spent less time at the office these days and more time attending random auditions, chasing a pipe dream that her twenty-something self would have wanted her to chase, but their relationship was breaking and it didn't seem like Harvey was the least bit concerned.

They had always been _that_ couple, and for years she never tired of hearing just how perfect she and Harvey were for each other, only, it no longer felt like they were two pieces of a puzzle that fit together, but rather that they were each on opposite side of the picture; the same picture nonetheless, but on opposite ends of it.

Glancing around at their living room, little pieces of their former apartments mended together to build their home, she smiles at the way her daughter had decorated the tree. Christmas spirit was definitely something Lily got from Donna, and there was no shortage of enthusiasm from the young girl from December 1st to December 25th. She'd eagerly come home from her playdate at the Litt's the week before and begged Donna to decorate the tree, something the three of them usually did together. She'd called Harvey and he told her he was tied up with something at the office and to go on without him. She was hesitant to agree to Lily at first, not wanting this to be the first time their tree decorating tradition didn't consist of their entire family, but in the end she conceded and the two of them decorated the family tree.

Her husband never was the type to enjoy the holidays, usually pretending to enjoy the festivities for her and Lily, but this year he seemed extremely distant. Sure, they'd fought before but it seemed that every time he came home at a decent hour they were bickering about an irrelevant topic. It's not like they were fighting about a major decision to be made and it wasn't like either of them had wronged the other, they just bickered and unhappy and for the life of her, she couldn't figure out how to not be constantly at each other's throats, how to fix things. She wanted to go back to the way things were when they first fell in love. She wanted to remember what it felt like to be enchanted by love and above all else, she wanted the man she started her family with back.

In hopes of keeping herself busy, she signed up to organize Lily's school Christmas play while Harvey was in the midst of a major trial for a company he'd represented for years before leaving the city and their ever-conflicting schedules caused them to grow further apart. It seemed like this holiday season would be one of breaking family traditions, she just hopes they can find it in themselves to not have it be the season of broken families as well.

.

.

"Hey there little miss where you think you're going?" Donna calls after an excited Lily who's making her way towards the exit of the gymnasium.

"Home?" Lily giggles as Donna catches up to her with her matching pink scarf and mittens in hand.

"Not without a hat you aren't," Donna scolds, helping Lily wrap her scarf around her neck before plopping a hat with a giant pom pom on her head and passing her the matching mittens.

With a satisfied smile, Lily leads the way towards the car, excitedly chatting about her new role in the school Christmas play as reindeer number three. Her daughter's enthusiasm never ceased to amaze her and she loved that despite having a small part, she was ready to be the star of the show. Getting to see kid's faces light up with excitement was one of the reasons she volunteered to organize Lily's class play this year. She was looking to get back into theatre and there was nothing more inspiring than a group of kids who were seemingly fearless when it came to doing things on stage.

Spending time with her daughter was an added bonus and she couldn't help but notice that with each passing day, Lily was becoming more and more like her father. She drove quite the bedtime negotiation when it came to reading multiple bedtime stories and she crinkled her nose whenever she was excited, something Harvey had been doing since they first met.

She listened as Lily went on and on about the Christmas play, alternating between talking about her favourite parts and asking Donna what her favourite parts were. Once Donna pulled into the driveway of their Brooklyn townhouse, she was certain Lily would be wiped out and ready for bed but rather than sleepily make her way into the house, her daughter bounded up the stairs and sprinted through the living room to where Harvey was sitting on the couch reading through some files.

"You're home?" She asks, her tone pleasantly surprised.

"We finished up early today," he explains, turning his attention to the little redhead that had launched herself, jacket and all, onto the sofa next to him.

"Daddy, are you going to come and watch me in the play?" She asks, staring up at him wide eyes that were nearly identical to Donna's when she wanted something from him.

"Sure thing princess," he grins, leaning over to remove her hat and place a kiss among her strawberry curls.

"You aren't going to be busy with work?"

"I'll try very hard not to be," he promises, a twinge of guilt rippling through him. He hated that his daughter thought he would be too busy working to come and see her in the school play, he hated that he had succumbed to the pressures of a job he walked away from for this very reason. He wanted a family, not a career and lately he was learning that it was near impossible to have both and he wasn't sure how to keep either from slipping away.

"Good, because I'm going to be reindeer number three and mom says that I'm going to… what was it again?" she looks to Donna, "Oh ya, steal the show," she states proudly, her smile showcasing her missing front tooth.

She'd been so excited when she lost her tooth the week before, but he'd been at work and missed it. Donna told him the next morning over coffee that the tooth fairy had visited, just seconds before an overly excited Lily skipped into the kitchen to show Harvey the $5 bill she'd been given.

Donna collects Lily's hat and coat and leaves her with Harvey on the couch as she saunters into the kitchen and begins to prepare Lily's lunch for the next day, listening while her daughter filled Harvey in on rehearsal. She talked excitedly about the reindeer and stumbled over the word "shepherd" before falling silent and watching Harvey work.

Donna's positive Lily has fallen asleep as she begins to creep back towards the living room and is surprised to watch as her Lily leaps up and pounces into Harvey's lap.

"Daaaad" she cries, climbing into his lap and forcing him to put down his case files, "Did you know that mommy was an actress?"

"I did," he replies with a faint smile.

"Did you ever watch her in any plays?"

"Did I ever?! Of course I watched her in plays. Do you want to know a secret?" He asks, reaching down to gentle bop her nose and tickle her sides, causing her to squirm in his arms.

"Yesss!" She yells and Donna finds herself listening intently to what Harvey is saying.

"Your mom is so talented. The first time I ever saw her do a play, I couldn't believe how amazing she was, she was a natural; so beautiful and poised."

"Like a princess beautiful?"

"Exactly like a princess beautiful," he replies with a reminiscent smile.

"Wow," Lily coos, hanging on her father's every word.

"Alright kiddo it's time for bed," Donna claps as she interrupts, making her way across the living room and scooping Lily up from Harvey's arms.

"Say goodnight to daddy," she instructs as she begins to carry her towards her bedroom.

"Goodnight daddy!" She calls, blowing him a kiss.

He pretends to catch the kiss and fakes putting in inside his pocket, something he'd always done with Lily, telling her that he was saving it for later.

"Goodnight princess," he calls back, "sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite!"

"I won't I have Mr. Snuggles to protect me," she says before she and Donna turn into her bedroom.

Mr. Snuggles was the teddy bear Mike bought for Lily the day she was born and she'd never gone anywhere without him. The first time Mike and Rachel babysat, Mike used the very line Harvey just had about the bedbugs biting and Lily was traumatized, claiming she couldn't sleep because there were "bugs in her bed." Harvey told her that if she held Mr. Snuggles really closely the bugs couldn't hurt her, and it stuck. Ever since then Lily would confidently go to bed with Mr. Snuggles pressed into her side, ready to ward off any bed bugs.

Once Donna is off tucking Lily in, he finds himself thinking back to that night he first saw her perform. It was back when they worked at the DAs office and she landed her first "big" role in an off-broadway production of Moulin Rouge. Donna had been his secretary for just under a year and they had grown extremely close, often toying with the line between friendship and flirting.

She spent weeks rehearsing her lines at her desk, practicing her choreography in the file room and preparing for her role and when her opening night rolled around he surprised her with a bouquet of roses that he had anonymously sent to her desk.

He knew she always suspected it was him, but he never outright told her he was the culprit, the smile on her face upon receiving them all the reward he needed. He went to her opening show that night, sat by himself near the back of the theatre as he watched in aw, her talent amazing him.

She was an incredible secretary but he had no idea she was so multi-talented. Her presence on stage demanded his attention and he's pretty sure she'd stolen a piece of his heart that day because from then on he never looked at her the same way. Before, she was Donna, his friend, his colleague, his secretary. But now, she was Donna, this incredible women who just so happened to be his friend, his colleague and his secretary. For the first time in his life he really saw her, the real her, and he fell in love with every inch of her.

It was years before he saw her in another production, in fact she didn't partake in another play until the Shakespeare one while they worked at the firm and he once again gave her flowers and found himself seated alone, silently cheering for her. She was just as, if not more, incredible in that production than she had been in the first one he saw, and he realized why she enjoyed theatre so much, it was like she was meant to do it.

Despite his hectic work schedule, he was happy to see her taking more time to pursue what she loved. He wasn't thrilled initially, worried that commitment to the firm and their family would falter but Donna was nothing if not an excellent mother and he's glad she did it because looking back reminded him of what a natural she'd always been, how much she belonged in the spotlight.

It still stung that she'd stepped back, and he hated that they seemed to be growing apart, but maybe that's just what happened when you'd been married for as long as he and Donna had. Maybe all the arguments and the fighting were natural. Regardless of the cause, he missed the way they used to be, he missed them.

He sauntered over to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water, scotch seemingly the obvious choice but it reminded him of all those late nights in his office, of her. He's half hopeful that she'll rejoin him in the living room after putting Lily to bed but his hopes are dashed when he hears the shower in their bedroom en suite turn on.

He could join her, but would she even want him to? There was a time in their lives where they avoided physical contact because it was all too much, now they avoided it because it served as a reminder of what they had lost, the flickering flame between them that had begun to dim and threatened to go out.

He wanders back into the living room and takes a seat on the couch, his eyes roaming across the Christmas tree that she and Lily had decorated. This was the first year they decorated the tree without him, the first year he didn't hoist Lily above his head to put the star on top and the first year he let work come before his own family; something he once swore he would never let himself do.

He was slowly unravelling, his family was slowly falling apart and for the first time in nearly a decade, he had no clue how to fix it.

.

.

Early the following week, both Donna and Harvey found themselves lounging in the living room in a comfortable silence in front of the fire. Their family dinner had been filled with laughter and light-heartedness that lingered into the late evening. Even long after Harvey had put Lily to bed Donna found herself smiling into the crinkled pages of her novel, a relaxing calm filling her senses.

This was natural, organic. It was them. And for a moment, all seemed right in the world. She and Harvey even joked about something that happened with one of the associates in the office that day, when they hadn't happily discussed work outside of the office in months.

Now they sat in a familiar silence before the fire, Donna's nose buried in her latest fictional conquest and Harvey reading through some work files. She stirs a little in her seat, tucking her restless feet beneath her before scooting a little bit closer to him.

Stifling a yawn, she places her book mark between the pages of her novel and folds it shut in her lap, stretching her hands out towards the fire.

"I think I'm going to call it a night," she says as she slowly gets up and moves towards their bedroom.

"You coming?" She calls back over her shoulder and to her surprise, Harvey nods and follows her into the bedroom.

Leaning over the sink to wash her face, she catches sight of him in bed, thick framed glasses teetering on the bridge of his nose as he continued to read the same file he was looking over in the living room.

"Do you mind dropping Lily off tomorrow? I have an early morning class I wanted to take before coming into the office?" She asks, her eyes searching for his in the mirror.

When Lily first began pre-school, they would always drop her off together on their way to the office but now that Harvey had been going in earlier and staying later, they began to go in separately and Donna was usually the one to drop Lily off. Normally, it wasn't an issue but one of the friends in her Tuesday night acting class invited her to a last minute improv class and she was dying to learn from the instructor that was leading it.

"You know that I can't Donna," he mutters, still preoccupied with whatever he was reading.

"How would I know that you can't?" She snaps, whipping around to face him and angrily folding her arms over her chest.

"I have early morning meetings and you know that… can't you just take this class some other time?"

"No Harvey, I can't!"

"Can't we ask Shelia to take her?" He asks absentmindedly, his eyes still skimming over the documents in his hand.

She was becoming visibly angrier with each passing word, his dismissal of her needs irritating her to no end.

"Maybe if you volunteered to help me out for once…"

"Hey, I help with Lily all the time!" He fires back, finally pulling his eyes away from his work.

"Right, you help with Lily but you can longer be bothered to help me," she scoffs, rolling her eyes and storming over to her side of the bed.

"Donna… that's not what I said. You know I'm trying to be supportive of you."

"Then maybe you should try showing me some of that support sometime!" She cries before crawling into bed and turning off the lights, leaving the darkness to fill the void between them.

Laying with her eyes fixed on the ceiling, she can hear Harvey breathing heavily next to her. This was exactly the type of argument they never would have had five years prior, instead they would have talked it out and come up with a solution together, only now that seemed like a lifetime ago and those two kids that were crazy in love seemed to be from a parallel universe.

He can hear her thinking, her mind running a hundred miles a minute. He feels her body tense as he turns over to face her and for a moment, he lets his hand ghost over her side, his mind daring him to take hold of her and take away the pain, but he knows better. He drops his hand to his side with a reluctant sigh and closes his eyes. He knew that he'd been working a lot but he didn't have a choice, this is what had to be done.

He hates that Donna thinks he isn't supportive of her dream, and if time was something money could buy, he'd invest every last dime because if he had endless amounts of time he's certain they could fix this, that he could be the badass lawyer and the badass father, that he could truly have it all.

He was perplexed, at a crossroad and for the second time in his life he was facing a life altering fork in the road. Be the lawyer he'd always dreamed of becoming, or be the father and husband his family needed him to be.

.

.

"Lily it's time to go!" Harvey called into his daughter's room from his place near the front door.

"We're coming!" She called, bounding down the hall wearing a sparkly red skirt and a black sweater, her hair pulled back in pigtails that were suspended with little red bows.

Donna followed close behind her, wearing a long fitted black dress made of silk that left nothing to the imagination. The halter straps left her bare shoulders exposed and when she turned to grab her bag Harvey noticed most of her freckled back was exposed.

"Wow, you look… beautiful," he says, stepping towards her and placing a chaste kiss on her lips.

She blushes at the compliment, the truth behind his words evident in his eyes. It didn't matter how many compliments Harvey had given her over the years, something about the honesty in the way he delivered them always made her heart lurch.

"Thank you," she mumbles, the feeling of his lips lingering on her own.

"And you," Harvey deepens his voice as he scoops Lily into his arms, "look just like a princess."

"Your princess?"

"Absolutely, my princess."

He helps Lily into her jacket while Donna tosses a dark trench coat over her dress and steps into a pair of deep red heels. She pauses to straighten his black bow tie before they move through the open door into the hall and her hands linger across his chest for a moment, her eyes finding solace in his before the sound of Lily's voice interrupts their moment.

"Is Lucy coming to the party?" She asks hopefully.

"She should be," Donna tells her before hooking her arm in Harvey's, who takes their daughter's hand as the three of them made their way outside. As trying as times got, old habits die hard and her hand always found its place on his arm when they ventured out and into the world.

.

By the time they arrive at the firm, Lily is a bundle of excited nerves and she sprints off the elevator towards the oldest Litt as soon as she spots her near the Christmas tree. Being two years older, Lucy had always treated Lily like a little sister, and Lily loved every second of it. Ever since moving back to the city Lily grew to adore Lucy and often begged Donna to let her do things just because Lucy did them. Despite Malcolm, Louis' son being the same age as Lily, she followed Lucy wherever she went.

"Behave!" Donna calls after her as they step off the elevator and Harvey leads her towards a table filled with champagne flutes.

"Strong-willed just like her mother," he smirks as he passes her a glass and looked over at where their daughter was playing.

"Stubborn like her father," she teases back, her own smile mirroring the one that appears on his face.

She's about to comment on how handsome he looks when one of the senior partners whose name always escapes her mind interrupts them.

"Sorry Donna, do you mind if I steal Harvey away for a second?"

"Not at all," she forces a smile but deep down she was hoping to have her husband to herself, at least for a few hours.

He mouths a small apology and follows the younger man towards the offices, stealing a glance of Donna before he rounds the corner.

Shelia finds Donna shortly after, greeting her with a welcoming smile and a fresh glass of champagne.

"You guys made it," Donna grins, accepting the champagne flute.

"Louis wouldn't miss this for the world. He may have a new job but this place will always be his home."

"Where is Louis?"

"Harvey didn't tell you? Katrina recruited him to play Santa Claus this year."

"But-"

"We're Jewish, I know," Sheila chuckles, the irony not lost on her.

"He wanted to do it for the kids, something about making them smile."

"He's so good with the kids," Donna muses, a faint smile tugging at the corners of her lips.

"So is Harvey," Sheila nods over to where Harvey had rejoined the party and was having antlers placed on his head by Lily and Lucy.

"Who would've thought, our corporate lawyer husbands would be great with kids," Sheila laughs but Donna's too focused on where her husband is goofing around with her daughter to notice Shelia's said anything. Instead, she's fixated on the man who bears a striking resemblance to the Harvey she fell in love with.

.

Every year the firm went all out for its holiday party and this year was no exception. The shelves in the library lined with holly and a six foot Christmas tree stood beneath the silver lettering that lined the walls near the elevators. This year's colour scheme involved an assortment of blue and silver and Donna had to admit, Katrina had really outdone herself with the decorations. Every year the blonde became increasingly invested in the firm decorations, and each year she outdid herself.

As the evening began to wind down Donna found Harvey and Lily in line to see Santa and joined them, passing Harvey a glass of what appeared to be scotch.

He eyed her curiously before she shrugged and simple stated "tradition," before they each took a sip. He hesitates before slipping his arm around her waist, wondering if his touch is welcome but ultimately decides on dropping his hand to her lower back while they wait in line with Lily. He feels himself relax when her body melts into his touch and she steps closer to him, her hip brushing up against his.

Maybe they were both craving the closeness they once had again. Maybe being here within the four walls that witnessed the way they fell in love was a reminder that what they had was worth fighting for, that they should fight for _them. _

As they approached the front of the line, Lily began to eagerly rock on her toes, anxiously tugging on the bottom of Harvey's jacket to tell him that she was next to see Santa.

"What are you going to ask for?" Donna asks her.

"I can't tell you mom it's a secret!" She explains as if Donna should already know how these things worked. Harvey has to fight back a chuckle and luckily it's Lily's turn before the conversation has a chance to progress.

Lily scampers into Santa's lap and smiles up at him, oblivious to the fact that it's her uncle Louis staring back at her.

"Hi Santa!" she beams, smiling for the picture Donna is taking.

"And what's your name little girl?" Louis bellows in a deep voice.

"My name is Lillian Jessica Paulsen-Specter and I've been really good this year!"

"Is that so?"

"Yes, I even made sure I made my bed today," she nods proudly.

"Well, that is very good. And what do you want for Christmas?"

Lily gestures for Louis to lean down so she can cup her hands around his ear, and she leans in to whisper so no one else can hear her Christmas wish.

"I wish mom and dad could be more like the picture," she whispers, looking back to where her parents were standing silently side-by-side.

"The picture?" Louis-as-Santa asks, forgetting about the charade for a moment.

"You know! The one that daddy keeps hidden underneath his socks! It has him and mommy holding up a piece of paper near where the Christmas tree is. You know the one where mommy has long curly hair and dad is giving her a hug."

Louis pauses, suddenly knowing exactly which picture Lily is referring to. He had taken that picture of Harvey and Donna the day Harvey signed his first official client and he remembers it like it was yesterday.

_. _

"_I still can't believe you signed a client before me," Louis pouts from his spot at the reception desk, glass of scotch in hand. _

"_Get used to being number two around here Louis, I'm going to be the best closer this city has ever seen," Harvey brags, taking a sip from his own glass of scotch before catching a warning glare from Jessica. _

"_After you, of course," he corrects his statement, raising his crystal glass towards hers. _

"_A toast," Jessica raises her glass in the direction of her two newest partners. _

"_Wait, Donna's not here yet," Harvey interjects, watching as his secretary hurried down the hall towards them, her heels clacking against the floor as her hips swayed side to side in her navy dress. _

"_God forbid we toast without your secretary," Louis mock, tone evident with bitterness._

"_Just because you're jealous that I have a secretary and you don't, doesn't mean you have to take it out on Donna," he whispers in Louis' direction before Donna reaches them. _

"_A toast," Jessica states again once Donna has joined them and is standing at Harvey's side, "To my newest junior partner's and Harvey's first client."_

_The two men clink their glasses against their boss' and Harvey takes a sip before passing his glass to Donna so she can do the same. Louis watches as Harvey instinctual hands her the glass and she accepts it without hesitation, wondering what the hell that was all about. Harvey had been back at the firm all of two minutes and was already stealing his spotlight. Not only was he the first to sign a solo client but he also somehow managed to convince Jessica to let him have his own secretary. Donna was nice and all but he couldn't quite get a read on the whole situation. She and Harvey seemed to communicate without words and it drove him absolutely mad. _

"_Alright, get over there so we can take your picture with this," Jessica instructs and gestures towards the name partner wall, handing Harvey a piece of paper that highlighted the fact that he'd signed his first official solo client. _

_He accepts the page and walks over to the silver lettering that spelled out Pearson Hardman and turned around to smile for an awkward photo. Once Jessica nodded that she'd taken the photo, he gestures for Donna to join him, a gesture she protests. _

"_Louis, do me a favour? Take another one?" He asks as he tosses Louis his cell phone. _

_He steps towards Donna and takes her hand, pulling her back towards the wall he was previously posed in front of, ignoring her protests until she finally relinquishes and accepts the piece of paper from him. _

"_Harvey this is your client?" she states, confused as to what he was doing. _

"_You know as well as I do that I never would have signed them without you. This is your first client too," he grins, stepping behind her as Louis began to snap photos. _

"_Does that mean I also get a big bonus cheque?" she raises an eyebrow at him. _

"_Don't push it Paulsen, you already got a 'new client' handbag," he chuckles, leaning forward to place a hand on her waist as he laughed, his face dangerously close to her own as she looks back at him and smirks, glad she'd made him laugh. _

_It was that exact moment that Louis snapped a photo. Harvey's arms wrapped around Donna, laughing as she peered back at him with adoring eyes, his gaze locked on her lips, the client slip held out in her hands in front of them. _

"_Well, that one's a keeper," Jessica smirks as she peers over Louis' shoulder at the picture he'd just taken. _

_A picture of two people who so clearly cared about each other but wouldn't get together for another decade. _

_A picture so full of love and pent up emotion, it made Louis dizzy with questions. _

_._

"In this picture, is your mommy wearing a blue dress?" he asks Lily.

"Yes! See I knew that you would know Santa!" she cries excitedly.

"And why do you want your mommy and daddy to be more like the picture?" he asks cautiously.

"Because they look like at the end of the fairytales, when the prince gets the princess."

"Well, I'm not sure I can make them more like the picture, but I'll see what I can do, okay?"

Lily nods and thanks Santa, accepting a candy cane before hopping off his lap and rejoining Donna and Harvey. Louis watches as she takes Harvey's hand and the three of them make their way back towards the party, wondering if he was missing something.

His friends relationship didn't seem to be in trouble, the pair had been inseparable since he first meet them decades ago. But Lily wanting them to be more like that photo meant that maybe there was more going on than what meets the eye, maybe they weren't happy? He knew that Harvey had been spending a lot more time at the firm since he resigned, and he hoped Harvey's new role wasn't to blame for whatever was going on in his and Donna's relationship.

He stares as the family of three as they continued to walk away, remembering just how in love his friends had always been. He remembered it all, the sacrifices they made for each other and the heartache they went through to get to where they were now, he remembered it all too well.

Harvey slinks off again at some point during the evening, called away by a few of the younger partners at the firm leaving Donna to herself. She mingles with her colleagues and settles near the make-shift bar with Katrina where she listens to the younger woman talk about the Christmas gifts she still needed to find. She had to admire Katrina, when they first met she wasn't sure the younger women had what it took to be a corporate lawyer, but over the past few years Katrina had really stepped up and lately she acted as a perfect second in command to Harvey.

She guesses she shouldn't complain, at least her and Harvey were out together. Technically, they were at a work event, and he had managed to slip away to do work, but she can't remember the last time they left the house to go and do something together.

The past few months every time she suggested they do something as a family, he said he was too busy or had work to do and lately she'd just stopped asking altogether. She knows the old Harvey is in there somewhere, the one who would spend hours playing dolls with Lily and wanted to hear about her day, but she's starting to wonder how long she should wait for him.

.

.

As the evening begins to wind down, Harvey joins Donna and Katrina before excusing himself to collect Lily and fetch their coats so they could head home for the evening. Lily excitedly tells her parents about the games she and Lucy played at the party until the candy cane sugar high wears off and she dozes off in the back seat of the car.

Donna watches as the city flashes by outside her window, humming the soft sounds of "Where are you Christmas" as they listen to the song on the radio.

"Tonight was fun, a good turn out," Harvey says, snapping her out of her daydream.

"It was, it's always nice to see how much Lily idolizes Lucy," she smiles, turning to face him.

"Not sure how I feel about our daughter idolizing a Litt…" he mutters with a slight eye roll.

"Lucy is a lovely little girl," Donna points out.

"Doesn't change the fact that she's Louis' offspring," he cocks his head as he makes his point and Donna can't help but laugh.

"You're ridiculous," she smirks. She felt almost giddy with relief as they laughed, the tension between them dissipating with each expelled breath. They hadn't laughed like this together in a long time, and it made her feel like that twenty year old version of herself that fell for a near-stranger's smile in a bar.

The laughter dies down as they pull into the driveway and though neither of them notice, a small smile creeps across Lily's face as Harvey scoops her up and carries her towards the house.

She begins to stir in his arms as he carries her to her bedroom and by the time he places her beneath the covers she's awake and requesting a bedtime story. He agrees to one quick story and settles in bedside her as he reads one of her favourites, _Barnyard Dance. _She stifles a yawn and curls into his side as he continues to read, his voice changing as he impersonated each character, something that Lily loved.

After removing her heels and grabbing herself a glass of water, Donna pads down the hallway towards Lily's room where the sight unfolding before her makes her heart swell. Lily was fast asleep, curled into Harvey side as he mumbled an old lullaby to her and stroked her hair.

She watches for a few moments before she decides to give Harvey some time alone with their daughter and slip out of her dress. She gets side tracked in the living room, stopping to stare at a photo of the three of them from last Christmas. She runs her hand along the wood frame and draws in a deep breath. Everything seemed so simple then. Love was love and it was enough. This is what a functional family looked like, she thought to herself, this is what we're supposed to have, supposed to be.

There were moments, like tonight, when she watched Harvey with Lily or he made her laugh, when she thought they were back on track to becoming those two fools who fell in love. But then, her mind would remind her that despite those few good things, Harvey spent half the night working and that they screamed at each other that morning, arguing about who forgot to buy more milk.

She's lost in a rabbit hole of her own thoughts when he decides to join her in the living room, silently handing her a glass of red wine before plopping himself down on the sofa.

She accepts the glass without turning to face him, placing it down beside the photograph she's still analyzing.

"What happened to us?" She asks, her back to him.

"What do you mean?" He asks, and she can hear him rise from his seat and step towards her.

"When did we become that couple that just moves through the motions? That couple that co-exists!?" She sighs, turning to face him with a defeated look. Her eyes glossy with her unshed tears.

She'd spent so long pretending that everything was fine between them, that the growing apart was a natural thing, but watching him with Lily tonight she couldn't pretend any longer. She missed her family. And above all else, she missed her Harvey. The man who once rented out an entire restaurant for her birthday, the man who would come home every day anxious to hear about her day. The man who would spend hours telling her about his own day, who would joke around with her, who made her laugh.

"Donna, we don't co-exist…"

He watched as his wife crumbed, tears steadily rolling down her face. His own heart aching because he knows that he's the reason. He knows that he's changed, that he had become the type of man that had put his career before his family, and had broken them.

"We don't? Then what would you call this Harvey? Marriage? I can't even remember the last time we had sex for god's sake! We're trapped in this endless cycle of living a subpar life and I can't go on this way, I won't go on this way. I don't want to fall out of love with you!"

He just stares back at her, waiting with bated breath.

"Do you remember what it was like when we first got married? When we first brought Lily home? God, we were so young and in love we could hardly keep our hands off each other! And look at us now, coming home and crawling into bed without so much as a "How was your day." I want more Harvey. I don't need us to be twenty-something and flirty but I need us to try to be more than this" she gestures between them, "Because I still love you terribly and I know you feel the same way so what do you say we -"

He cuts her off by crashing his lips into her, a surprised sigh escaping her lips before she melts into his touch. He tugs in her lower lip and she opens her mouth wider, allowing his tongue entrance.

He knows they needed to finish having their conversation, that he needs to tell her he wants the same things she does, he wants to get back to being them, but in this moment, he just wants her. Donna Paulsen, his wife.

Snaking his hands into her hair. He walks then backwards towards the couch, only stopping when her calves collide with the leather and he's tumbling on top of her, their lips still fused together.

It's a mess of desperate kisses and long awaited skin on skin contact, but he slows things down as he helps her out of her dress. She's standing before him in the firelit living room as he helps lower the zipper, her figure illuminated by the flickering firelight and for a moment, there is nothing sloppy or desperate about this. He takes his time pulling the zipper down, wrapping his arms around her bare waist as the black silk pools around her ankles and she turns to face him once again, pushing his dress shirt off his shoulders before her naked chest collided with his and they tumble back onto the leather seat.

They fall asleep in each other's arms for the first time in months that night, only waking to make love until the sun begins to creep through the blinds and Harvey knows that he had to put his feelings into words. Something he'd always struggled with when it came to Donna.

Stroking her hair as she lay on his bare chest, he leans down to place a kiss to her temple, knowing she's just as wide awake as he is.

"Donna," he begins, fingers now playing with the ends of her strawberry curls.

"I want those things too. Everything you said last night. I don't want to, no, I can't lose you. You mean far to much to me and I'm sorry, for everything."

"It's not your fault, maybe we were just meant to grow apart," she whispers, the confident woman from the night before now suddenly unsure.

"We both know we weren't. It's always been me and you. And I'm sorry for not putting our family first lately. When we left the firm, I wanted to start fresh, I wanted to be the type of husband and father that didn't put work first. Ever since we've been back here that's exactly what I've been doing, and I'm sorry. I want to try to fix this. I'm not saying it's going to be easy but I think it's worth a shot."

"I'm sorry too you know," she peers up at him beneath her lashes.

"For what?"

"For stepping back, for pursuing a dream I should've given up on a long time ago…I'm not exactly innocent in all of this."

"Donna, don't ever apologize for going after what you want."

"I just feel like maybe my stepping back had something to do with this, like maybe you were angry that I didn't want to spend as much time at the firm…"

"Hey, look at me. I will always be supportive of you chasing your dreams."

"Thank you, Harvey," she smiles, snuggling into him.

"So we're going to try and fix this?"

"I will if you will," he replies.

"Well I think a good start would be Lily's play tomorrow."

"I'll see what I can do," he grins, leaning down and stealing a kiss.

"I'm going to start to step back, at the office, I mean, hand off some things to Katrina," he says as he finishes getting ready. Both he and Donna were in the bathroom preparing for their day and he felt the sudden urge to tell her he meant it when he said he would try.

"I think we should reinstate date night," she replies, running a second coat of red gloss over her lips.

"We stopped doing it and we shouldn't have. It was the one night a week we could catch up on each other's lives and just enjoy each other."

"I could be persuaded. Del Posto next Tuesday?"

"You're not just saying that and then going to blow it off for some work-related emergency?"

"Donna, I meant what I said, I want this to work. I promise I'll try."

She trusts that he will, but the little voice in her head is telling her that his work habits may be tough to break and that she shouldn't keep her hopes up until he proved that he really was willing to dial back at work.

Harvey makes Lily's favourite chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast and the three of them leave the house together to drop Lily off before heading into the office. He kisses her goodbye and tells her to have a good day at the elevators and she blushes the entire way to her office. She wasn't holding out hope that things were going to change over night, but she was hopeful that maybe things could be fixed.

.

.

She doesn't see him for the rest of the day and eventually, she has to leave to pick Lily up and can't wait around any longer. She sighs heavily as she steps into the elevator and closes her eyes as it begins to descend. It was fine, everything was going to be fine.

She meets Lily after school and the two of them grab hot chocolate before the final Christmas play rehearsal was set to begin. Sitting across from her daughter, she watches as the young girl sips at her sugary drink, and smiles.

"So, are you excited for your big show tomorrow?" she asks with a fake enthusiasm.

"Yes! I can't wait to put on my costume!"

"I think you're going to be a star," Donna adds.

"Of course I am, mom, I'm a Paulsen-Specter," she states proudly, the whipped cream from her hot chocolate leaving a line above her lip.

"That you are," Donna chuckles, reaching over to wipe Lily's lip.

It never failed to amaze her what a perfect combination of her and Harvey Lily was. While she had her strong-willed attitude and her ability to empathize, she was every bit as determined as Harvey and was equally as stubborn.

"Mom, after the play can me you and daddy go and visit uncle Louis so I can show him my costume?"

"Uncle Louis is coming to the play sweetheart, and I don't want you to be upset if your dad can't come, you know he's very busy with work but he loves you very much."

"I know," Lily mumbles softly, her eyes cast down on the table as she finishes her hot chocolate.

.

Rehearsal goes well and once Lily comes down from her sugar high after dinner she falls asleep on the couch and Donna carries her to bed. Harvey had sent her a message just before she began to prepare dinner telling her that he was sorry but he had something come up at the office and he would be home late. She tells herself that it doesn't bother her, that he can't control what happens at the office, but hadn't he just promised to try and cut back?

Once she tucked Lily into bed, she settled in the living room with a glass of wine and her novel and tried to lose herself in a world that wasn't remotely similar to her own. She jumps up when she thinks she hears the door, but resigns back to her seat when she realizes it was just the wind. He was his usual late and for the first time in months, she was tired of wondering when he would get home.

This morning, she was hopeful, she was sure that things were going to change and that they could get back to the way things were before they started to fall apart. But now, all hope was lost. It hadn't even been a day and he couldn't come home at a decent hour and if she was being honest with herself, she was pretty tired of waiting around for him to come home. This was her life as much as it was their life, and she'd wasted so much time waiting on Harvey, she's not sure she has much more to give.

Tossing her empty wine glass in the sink, she carries herself to the bedroom where her thoughts continue to spiral as she gets ready for bed. She doubts he'll even remember Lily's play is tomorrow and once again she was going to have to be the bad guy and explain why he wasn't there. Nothing about this situation was fair. She knows they didn't move back to New York so he could take this job, and she knows he never intended to stop putting her and Lily first, and she hated that she felt like she was making him choose between his career and them. That was the last thing she wanted, for Harvey to have to give up what he loved doing, but it didn't have to be so black and white. For years he managed to balance his career and homelife and that was all she wanted, a balance.

She heads to bed with his words from that morning playing over in her mind. He said they would try that things would be different. If things were going to be different then why was she laying next to half a vacant cold bed?

When Harvey returns home, he creeps through the hall as to not wake his family, hanging his coat and his scarf by the door before slipping off his shoes and heading straight to his bedroom. He finds her fast asleep, her arm strewn across his side of the bed, her curls spread out over the pillowcase. He changes out of his work clothes and splashes cold water over his face. Not more than twelve hours ago he stood in this very spot and he promised her that things were going to be different, that they would change. Now, here he was, stumbling home as the clock approaches midnight, breaking his promise.

He never meant to go back on his word, he was on his way towards the elevators when Katrina found him in a panic and begged him to stay and help. And he just couldn't bring himself to abandon ship and say no.

He knew she would be livid that he hadn't made it home at a decent hour after he promised her a new beginning. He hated everything about the person he had become. He hated that his workaholic tendencies just made him a liar, he hated that his wife was hurting and worst of all, he hated that he didn't know how to break himself out of the endless cycle that got them here.

He crawls into bed beside her and watches as she sleeps for a moment, his hand lingering beside hers, a soft "I'm sorry" escaping his lips before he turns to face the other way and drifts off to sleep.

She leaves early the next morning, careful not to wake Harvey as she slips out of bed and dresses for her day. She planned on getting to the office early so she could slip out for Lily's play and had arranged for one of the moms in from Lily's school to pick Lily up and bring her to school. Tossing on a cream colours dress that fell just before her knees, she heads to the kitchen to fetch an apple and a cup of coffee. With her pale pink trench coat in hand, she stepped into the hall, ready to face her day.

She'd managed to sleep off her disappointment and it was now replaced by rage and anger. She was mad at Harvey for breaking his word and she was angry with herself for thinking things would magically work themselves out. She should know better than to trust words, when it was actions that she was looking for.

She only runs into him once at the office and though he mouths an apology, she continues to focus on the meeting topic and excuses herself as soon as it ends. Having it out was not something she wanted to do at the office.

Lily is a ball of excitement when Donna arrives at the school, her and her classmates nervously buzzing about as they get ready for their Christmas play.

A half hour before the play is set to begin she peers out into the audience, hoping to catch a glimpse of her husband but he's nowhere to be found, shattering whatever final shred of hope she'd been holding on to.

Making her way to where the kids were waiting she excitedly claps her hands, "Alright guys, who's ready?"

.

He glances down at his watch as he paces the floor in the emergency meeting he had been pulled into on his way out. Lily's play was set to begin in a half hour and at the rate this meeting was going, he was going to miss it.

He can't believe that he let her down, that he let them both down. Lily was so excited when he said he would come to her play, when really she should have just expected him to be there, no hesitations.

He should be listening to one of the younger partners as he pitches potential solutions to get them out of a sticky situation, but his mind is elsewhere as he peers out the window.

He remembers their first Christmas together like it was yesterday. Donna insisted that they start their own traditions and host a dinner for their friends a few days before Christmas and he had told her he could cook. Only, he'd never made a turkey in his life and the entire evening was a disaster complete with take out food and a lot of laughs. Even with the burnt turkey and the chaotic set up, he'd remembers never feeling happier because none of it mattered as long as he had her.

Then Lily was born and Christmas became something else entirely. Donna insisted they do the classic "Baby's first Christmas" things and the pair had been so exhausted that come Christmas Eve they watched movies on the couch and went to bed before 10pm. And again, he'd loved every minute of it.

Watching as Katrina took over he got out of his seat and wandered over to the window, looking out over the snowy skyline.

Is this the kind of man he wanted to be? The type to miss his daughters Christmas play for some random meeting that wouldn't even matter five years down the line? Does he really want to be the kind of man that didn't fight for his marriage? That didn't show his wife how much he cared for her? When did his job become everything to him?

Before he knows what he's doing, he's storming out of the conference room, only to be called back by Katrina once he reaches the door. His career had never been his everything, but his family always would be.

"Harvey? We're in the middle of a crisis, where do you think you're going?"

"I'm sorry Katrina, I have somewhere I need to be. You have my approval to make all decisions and sign all forms a Managing Partner would."

"But I'm not the Managing Partner?"

"What do you say tomorrow we change that by putting it to a vote?"

"Are you- are you quitting?"

"Quitting? I could never, this job is a part of who I am. I just think I'm stepping back a bit, going to enjoy a few other aspects of my life," he grinned before sprinting out of the conference room and grabbing his jacket before impatiently waiting for an elevator, hoping he wasn't too late.

.

The play had just begun and Lily peered out from behind the curtain, checking on the audience. She spotted her uncle Louis with Lucy and her aunt Shelia in the front row and waved, but her face fell when she noticed the empty seat next to them.

Donna comes up behind her daughter and places a hand on her shoulder, "maybe he's just running late because of the snow," she smiles.

She should have known better than to let herself be hopeful. She never should have bothered to think he would show up, his words about wanting to make this work an empty promise.

Lily nods and takes the stage with a big smile, sneaking in an enthusiastic wave to uncle Louis as she did so.

Lily steals the show in her part as reindeer number 3, and just before the finale, Donna notices her daughter waving frantically with a massive grin at someone in the front row, Harvey. He was covered in flakes of snow, his face red and he was slightly out of breath but there he was, and she couldn't believe her eyes.

She doesn't have time to process it with the curtain closing and the kids rushing off the stage and she quickly becomes preoccupied helping to collect costumes.

She's standing in the left stage wing sorting through some antlers when she hears footsteps behind her.

"You thought I forgot," he calls, causing her to turn and face him.

"You don't have the greatest track record Harvey," she rolls her eyes, continuing with her task.

"I'm sorry I missed dinner."

"Ya well it was just leftovers, nothing special," she shrugs, pretending to be unbothered. Pretending her heart wasn't hammering against her chest with each step he took towards her.

"I didn't just mean last night," he clarified, reaching for her arm and turning her to face him again.

"I'm sorry Donna. I know that I've been putting work before you and I know I said I would try and fix things and then I went and let you down, but I'm here now."

"Just because you showed up this one time you think everything is alright?" She whispers, tears forming in her eyes.

"I stepped down, named Katrina Managing Partner."

"Harvey-"

"I love my job, but I love my family much more. I never want to miss a family dinner again. I don't want you two to have to decorate the tree without me and I most certainly never want to fall out of love with you," he says, his arms settling on her hips as he stepped a tiny bit closer, her hazel eyes finding his chocolate ones through her tears.

"I'm all in Donna. I always have been. I may have gotten a little lost but I'm here now. I've loved you for the past twenty years and I plan on loving you for twenty more. So what do you say we give this another shot?"

"How do I know that you're not going to wake up tomorrow and change your mind?"

"I guess you just have to have a little faith in me. But Donna, you need to tell me when you're upset or sad or whatever so we can work through these things as a team."

"Alright."

"So, how bout it? I don't know about you, but falling for you was one of the easiest things I've ever done and I can't wait to fall a little harder with each passing day."

"The easiest thing you've ever done?" She teases, a small smile forming.

"You had me the minute you introduced yourself. And you've had me ever since."

"I love you," he whispers, bringing his lips to hover just above her ear.

"I love you too," she replies, leaning up to gently brush her lips against his before falling into his arms and melting into a kiss.

From across the stage, Louis was waiting with Lily and Lucy as he watched what seemed to be a serious conversation unfold between Donna and Harvey. Lily also appeared to be watching with hopeful eyes as her parents talked beneath the painted stars that lined the fake night sky on the backdrop behind them.

After the kiss was broken, Harvey said something that made Donna laugh before scooping her into his arms and twirling her around, kissing her a second time.

Lily watches as Donna laughs, and when Harvey kisses her again she smiles and whispers to herself, "just like the picture."

**.-*°****✧°*-.**


End file.
